This is 40, and I want my money back!
40 was going to be my year! The big four-0, and apparently, it was the new 30. I was working in a field I loved, started saving for a vehicle, was looking into going back to school, and my dog Cooper was my perfect companion. That all seems so long ago, not just a few months back.
Almost a year ago, I started noticing really bad pain in my feet and legs. I was convinced that 12 hour shifts, mostly on my feet, must have been the culprit. So, I did what most people in healthcare do, I bought compression socks and new shoes. Then, while performing daily duties like passing out medications and monitoring vitals, I would feel extremely fatigued. Again, I thought it was the long shifts, maybe I was just out of shape.
It was the Fall, and I just came to the end of 2 relaxing days off. I was looking forward to getting back to work(this job paid me very well compared to what I had been making in the previous years). The director called me at home, and stated very coldly, that the company was headed in a different direction and that I was no longer needed at work. I asked why, she couldn't come up with a reason, and after some pushing from me, she stuttered out that my performance was lacking. I called BULL$#!T, hung up on her, and that was the end of work there. I later found out that the owners were low on funds, and decided to fire top earning CNA's and Med Techs.
Over the next few weeks, I used my small car savings to pay my half of the rent, utilities, and groceries. And then it happened, the stress of everything triggered something major in my body! Over the next few weeks, and after I found a new job in retail, my body just...broke. I'd wake up with a pins and needles feeling in all of my extremities, my feet would go numb, sometimes my arms wouldn't lift, I was dropping things from a lack of grip in my hands, I was tripping a lot, I couldn't concentrate, and so much more. I tried to hide it from everyone, but I couldn't hide sleeping for hours on end, and still not being able to function on a basic level. I had to reduce my hours to part time at work, because my body only functions in small bursts of energy before it hits the wall.
Fast forward to many trips to my doctor, countless amounts of blood drawn, an MRI of my brain, nerve testing on the right side of my body, etc. The only thing determined is that I have a marker for genetic autoimmune disease, and all signs definitely point to me having one. Now, which one, that is the million dollar question. Throughout these months of Dr. visits and tests, I have been so incredibly disappointed in conventional medical care! The neurologist claimed that I "looked fine", and probably have nothing, I actually had to push for an exam, and MRI. He also suggested narcotics for my insomnia, um no thanks. The rheumatologist questioned my symptoms, as if I were making them up, and then scolded me for not having paper copies of my nerve tests. He also didn't understand why I hadn't had my spinal tap done yet. I was like "Um, you do know the hospitals aren't performing surgical procedures during the Covid-19 pandemic right?', he wasn't aware. My regular Dr. keeps saying that he can't do anything until we figure out which autoimmune disease I have, that it is the job of the "other doctors to figure it out". Each doctor is pointing fingers at the other, and they are all throwing each other under the bus.
But God has been good, and if you lack wisdom, ask! While all this hubbub with the doctors was happening, I started doing a LOT of research. I went to Barnes & Noble and sat with books on autoimmune diseases. I started following doctors on Instagram and Facebook who specialized in Immunology and natural healing. I looked up hundreds of websites on the subject as well. I asked the Lord to PLEASE bring me some sort of relief! I decided to reduce the toxic load in my home by removing chemicals in cleaning products, skin care, bath care, etc. I keep an eye on ways to prevent mold in my apartment, Florida is mold central! And, I started eating in a plan called the autoimmune protocol. What AIP does is reduce inflammatory foods, add anti inflammatory foods, remove pesticides/hormones/nitrates/nitrites, and figure out what your sensitivities to food are. Little did I know, until now, that Grains/gluten/nightshade veggies/dairy ALL cause me pain, joint inflammation, brain fog, and swelling. I'm having many more better days, than bad days. And when I stray and eat what I'm not supposed to, I'm reminded what I DON'T want to feel like. I started learning more about supplements, herbs, essential oils, food, and toxic loads.
I have had many prayers, and hard cries, with God over grieving what I felt like my life was before all of this, and where I felt I was headed. I was so close to having my own transportation, which meant I could travel to school, and feel like a productive member of society again, something I haven't felt for years. I felt like it was ripped from under me. I haven't applied to work in a senior facility again, or in the Med Tech field, because I know my body currently can't fulfill those duties. I felt cheated and angry. I'm working in a big box retail store, and it is so consumer driven, it drains me. I savor my times of worship at church, because Sunday is all I have, current circumstances make it so that I don't participate in small groups, etc. I am waiting, like an excited child, to be part of a small group or Bible study again! My worship and study time at home is my go go juice. It is the only thing that keeps me sane and somewhat normal(if you know me personally, you know I'll never be completely normal anyway).
If you're waiting for me to tie this up in a happy ending, or come to some conclusion, this doesn't work that way. I am still walking out this journey and I have no answers or positive quotes for you. This is 40, it was supposed to be "my year"! I want a refund, or at least an exchange for 39. I don't know how this health journey will pan out, if I'll get to work in healthcare again, how long it'll take to get a car, etc. I do know God is good, the Holy Spirit is a comforter, my needs are provided for, my daughters will be okay, and Cooper is the best dog in the whole wide world! People can be great, people can suck. Life can be great, life can suck. God is great, he never sucks! I took one of those silly social media quizzes, and my result made me chuckle, because I guess I feel its pretty true! I'm not the best at very many things, but no matter how crappy worldly circumstances may feel, you're not taking my faith!
Almost a year ago, I started noticing really bad pain in my feet and legs. I was convinced that 12 hour shifts, mostly on my feet, must have been the culprit. So, I did what most people in healthcare do, I bought compression socks and new shoes. Then, while performing daily duties like passing out medications and monitoring vitals, I would feel extremely fatigued. Again, I thought it was the long shifts, maybe I was just out of shape.
It was the Fall, and I just came to the end of 2 relaxing days off. I was looking forward to getting back to work(this job paid me very well compared to what I had been making in the previous years). The director called me at home, and stated very coldly, that the company was headed in a different direction and that I was no longer needed at work. I asked why, she couldn't come up with a reason, and after some pushing from me, she stuttered out that my performance was lacking. I called BULL$#!T, hung up on her, and that was the end of work there. I later found out that the owners were low on funds, and decided to fire top earning CNA's and Med Techs.
Over the next few weeks, I used my small car savings to pay my half of the rent, utilities, and groceries. And then it happened, the stress of everything triggered something major in my body! Over the next few weeks, and after I found a new job in retail, my body just...broke. I'd wake up with a pins and needles feeling in all of my extremities, my feet would go numb, sometimes my arms wouldn't lift, I was dropping things from a lack of grip in my hands, I was tripping a lot, I couldn't concentrate, and so much more. I tried to hide it from everyone, but I couldn't hide sleeping for hours on end, and still not being able to function on a basic level. I had to reduce my hours to part time at work, because my body only functions in small bursts of energy before it hits the wall.
Fast forward to many trips to my doctor, countless amounts of blood drawn, an MRI of my brain, nerve testing on the right side of my body, etc. The only thing determined is that I have a marker for genetic autoimmune disease, and all signs definitely point to me having one. Now, which one, that is the million dollar question. Throughout these months of Dr. visits and tests, I have been so incredibly disappointed in conventional medical care! The neurologist claimed that I "looked fine", and probably have nothing, I actually had to push for an exam, and MRI. He also suggested narcotics for my insomnia, um no thanks. The rheumatologist questioned my symptoms, as if I were making them up, and then scolded me for not having paper copies of my nerve tests. He also didn't understand why I hadn't had my spinal tap done yet. I was like "Um, you do know the hospitals aren't performing surgical procedures during the Covid-19 pandemic right?', he wasn't aware. My regular Dr. keeps saying that he can't do anything until we figure out which autoimmune disease I have, that it is the job of the "other doctors to figure it out". Each doctor is pointing fingers at the other, and they are all throwing each other under the bus.
But God has been good, and if you lack wisdom, ask! While all this hubbub with the doctors was happening, I started doing a LOT of research. I went to Barnes & Noble and sat with books on autoimmune diseases. I started following doctors on Instagram and Facebook who specialized in Immunology and natural healing. I looked up hundreds of websites on the subject as well. I asked the Lord to PLEASE bring me some sort of relief! I decided to reduce the toxic load in my home by removing chemicals in cleaning products, skin care, bath care, etc. I keep an eye on ways to prevent mold in my apartment, Florida is mold central! And, I started eating in a plan called the autoimmune protocol. What AIP does is reduce inflammatory foods, add anti inflammatory foods, remove pesticides/hormones/nitrates/nitrites, and figure out what your sensitivities to food are. Little did I know, until now, that Grains/gluten/nightshade veggies/dairy ALL cause me pain, joint inflammation, brain fog, and swelling. I'm having many more better days, than bad days. And when I stray and eat what I'm not supposed to, I'm reminded what I DON'T want to feel like. I started learning more about supplements, herbs, essential oils, food, and toxic loads.
I have had many prayers, and hard cries, with God over grieving what I felt like my life was before all of this, and where I felt I was headed. I was so close to having my own transportation, which meant I could travel to school, and feel like a productive member of society again, something I haven't felt for years. I felt like it was ripped from under me. I haven't applied to work in a senior facility again, or in the Med Tech field, because I know my body currently can't fulfill those duties. I felt cheated and angry. I'm working in a big box retail store, and it is so consumer driven, it drains me. I savor my times of worship at church, because Sunday is all I have, current circumstances make it so that I don't participate in small groups, etc. I am waiting, like an excited child, to be part of a small group or Bible study again! My worship and study time at home is my go go juice. It is the only thing that keeps me sane and somewhat normal(if you know me personally, you know I'll never be completely normal anyway).
If you're waiting for me to tie this up in a happy ending, or come to some conclusion, this doesn't work that way. I am still walking out this journey and I have no answers or positive quotes for you. This is 40, it was supposed to be "my year"! I want a refund, or at least an exchange for 39. I don't know how this health journey will pan out, if I'll get to work in healthcare again, how long it'll take to get a car, etc. I do know God is good, the Holy Spirit is a comforter, my needs are provided for, my daughters will be okay, and Cooper is the best dog in the whole wide world! People can be great, people can suck. Life can be great, life can suck. God is great, he never sucks! I took one of those silly social media quizzes, and my result made me chuckle, because I guess I feel its pretty true! I'm not the best at very many things, but no matter how crappy worldly circumstances may feel, you're not taking my faith!
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