I can't fix it!

 Disclaimer

<<<I'm sorry if the picture above offends you, but this has become my reality! If you are immature enough to be offended by talk of a woman's hormones, stop reading now. This post is not about sympathy or attention, but about taking power back from something that makes me feel powerless!>>>

A little less than a year ago I started noticing some strange changes in my body. I wasn't sure if it was pre-menopause, depression, signs of cancer, all of the above? PAIN, fatigue, and depression were the worst symptoms. At a prayer gathering one day I just blurted out my battle with depression and not wanting to wake up some days. I was told to repeat a prayer and was pushed out of the way(literally)so that someone with more physical symptoms could be prayed over. That made me more depressed.

I finally found a new doctor who immediately recognized the long list of symptoms! I have developed PMDD(Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder). Each month my body basically has an allergic reaction to my own hormones. I become lethargic, sensitive to light and sound, weak, prone to headaches, I can't sleep, and I sometimes have cramps that resemble childbirth. Those are just some of the physical symptoms, but the "dysphoric" part of the disorder is the depression. You see, when I have a PMDD bout, my body isn't properly producing seratonin, which is your body's natural way of balancing mood. This is how the Gia Allemand Foundation describes it:

PMDD is the clinical term to describe a woman's severe negative cognitive and emotional response to the natural rise and fall of the female reproductive hormones: estrogen and progesterone. 


So, here is the meat of it all, I CAN'T FIX IT! During a spell of PMDD, I am in pain. When I am in pain, things seem bleak, and without enough seratonin to tell my brain that it isn't that bad, I start to feel bleak. You can't see when I have it, the symptoms are invisible, and explaining them can be frustrating because there will be people who say "that's just PMS.". IT IS NOT. There is no quick fix because what works for one woman, does not work for another. I can fix a lot of things, or at least cope. Unemployment, death, divorce, financial hardship, and many other negative life events I know how to move on from;cling to God, stay busy, focus on the positive, make better choices, etc. But with this, all I have is clinging to the Lord. And it boils down to this....I. Can't. Fix. It.

God is still good, he is still in the business of healing, and he understands that not everything can be solved with a simple fix. My struggle with PMDD is not a matter of a lack of faith, or any lack at all. It is real, and God is real. One does not cancel out the other, and my God isn't intimidated by that confession. He is bigger than any illness, and even if it never gets fixed in the natural, he can fix my attitude towards it.

If you would like more information on PMDD, the Gia Allemand Foundation can be very helpful
giaallemandfoundation.org